Wednesday, June 6, 2012

I Am Afraid Of Cancer

I've been thinking about my dad lately. 
How he isn't sitting there in his favorite spot at the kitchen counter smoking a cigarette. 
How I can't call him and ask about the funny noise my lover girl's car was making. 
How I can't tell him again that I love him. 
How I'm still angry he never quit. 
And how he will never read one of my picture books despite how he loved to make up the stories for me. 

Have a poem. It's raw. But so is my emotion. Get over it. 

I Am Not Afraid of Death
I am afraid of Cancer.
The growths.
The ones that can't be seen 
or even felt
until it's too late. 
The coughing. 
Hacking up yellow mucus. 
Breaths by tubes from a tank.
Growing weak.
Losing hair. 
Spending the weekend
in the hospital
instead of the mountains.

I am afraid of cancer. 
The growths. 
The ones that can't be seen
or even felt
until the left side is bigger. 
The pink ribbons.
The extra padding. 
The lopsidedness. 
The tingling sensation of a ghost breast.
Spending the morning stuffing and adjusting
instead of walking the dog or reading the paper. 

I am afraid of cancer.
How it comes in and takes over.
Takes what I'm not ready to give.

I am afraid of cancer. 
The pain. 
The slow pain
that sucks life

I am not afraid of death. 
I am afraid of cancer. 

Write on!

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