Thursday, April 3, 2014

C is for Control, Alt, Delete

Five years ago I felt as though I had zero control over my life. I kept feeling intense attractions towards some of my female friends, and they would not go away (the attractions, I mean). I wanted so badly to be straight and "normal" and to carry on with an average, happy life. No matter what I did, I couldn't change it.

In a panicked-turned-numb sort of state, I decided that if I couldn't control anything else, I could at least control a knife. After making calculated designs on my skin with a razor blade, a stranger caught a glance at my arm in a moment of my own carelessness. As a past self-abuser herself she knew exactly what my cuts were. I expected a lecture or some kind of "talk," but it didn't come. All she said was something like, "Wow. What control." And finally, I had my validation. Someone could see that I really did have control. I had power.

Right now, I'm finding myself in another place where I have no control. I feel powerless. I feel lost. There is nothing I can do to get back what I thought was mine to keep forever. I feel frantic and panicked and anxious.

This time, though, I don't feel the need to have control. I mean, I still have my humanness so I do still want control. But, I'm learning this time around that there are some things that I cannot change. Things that I cannot control or fix alone.

Without a control button, the next thing I can think to use is Alt. When life becomes uncontrollable it's time to find an alternative route. I had a lot of plans. A lot of ideas for what the future would hold for me. How I might proceed. Who I might proceed with. Where I might proceed to. According to a lot of people I live a fairly "alternative" lifestyle. Now I've got to find an alternative alternative.

As with all new books and new chapters, it's important to kill your darlings to make the best version possible. Sometimes you've got to delete a few of your favorite lines, throw out some of your favorite dresses, and pack away some of your favorite photos. For me right now, it's time for some Spring cleaning.

Who knows, maybe I'll even use all three buttons at once and completely re-boot the computer.

Write on!


  1. Bud, I love this post. And I love you. You're amazing and have such a good perspective. I know you have many great adventures ahead, and I am excited to see you pursue your path and rise to the challenges and happy occasions. You've shared great words of wisdom here. I know you'll find more. Write on!

  2. Hindsight is so valuable when faced with the same challenges... With each step we get a little stronger... keep writing, sometimes a whole new operating system works better than C+Alt+delete too.